Freeing FiFi

Darlings, Paris is a free woman. Released from jail at 12:15 a.m. today. My birthday. I am beside myself with irritation. Who the hell gets released from a jail cell at 12:15 a.m.? Celebrated heads of state and 'specially great communicators. And Paris.

I wasn't even going to write about Paris (now that she's got her Get Out of Jail Free card, I'm waiting for her first God-fearing sign of being a changed woman...), but I figured it might give Super Sibling #1 a chuckle after all the stuff Jennifer is going through.

Summer is officially here down in the flatlands, where they don't let children out of school until the month of June is nearly over. Anna turned 14 a week or so ago and now needs to have her social fete. This means 12 teenagers, including three boys, over for a cookout, swimming in the pool and generally tearing apart the house in a 14-year-old way. Anna doesn't have friends - she has a possé. A huge group of kids that have shifted from house to house for post-eighth-grade graduation parties since late last week. I think there's even another one today. Anna's birthday party isn't until this Sunday, though, which I expect will be the last of these roving festivities for some time to come. Time to serious, adolescents - high school is just around the corner. ;)

Popular ... They Know About Popular

Paris Hilton has very unfriendly neighbors. They are worried about her return home after being released from jail (five days and counting...) All those paparazzi who will come home with her make a lot of noise hanging out in front of her LA home. Poor Paris. Here she is thinking she's now going to make a difference in the world.

She needs to be popular. Someone should remind her about:

Celebrated heads of state or specially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don't make me laugh!
They were popular! Please -
It's all about popular!
It's not about aptitude
It's how you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popular
Like me!

Well, maybe not like me. But like Britney or Lindsay at least. ;)

Glue Butt

So today, Meghan has no school (she's in the midst of finals but doesn't have an exam today). She does, however, have to finish a final paper. So she's at home typing the paper, putting the finished pages on the floor next to her. One of the pages has glue spread over it so that she can paste something she's in the process of typing.

She's typing. Not paying attention to her surroundings. And she hears "smoogch." Turns out Maggie (a.k.a. psycho kitty) has planted her butt on the paper with the glue on it. I get this call while at work about midday today: "MOOOOMMMMMMM!!!! Maggie has glue on her butt and I've got fur on my paper!!!!"

I couldn't stop laughing on the phone for, like, 10 minutes. So now I'm calling the cat "Glue Butt." G.B. for short. It suits her. The photo depicts G.B. continuing her delusion that she is actually a dog. Perhaps if she drinks enough of Buddy's Water, she'll have enough pee to dilute the glue stuck to her butt. :)

OK, this is how you post a photo on your blog: When you create a "new post," you'll see these icons on the top of the posting window. One of them is a photo. click on that and you'll be asked to "browse" your computer for your photos. You select the photo you want and click "upload." Do it either before you type in your blog or afterwards. At first, the uploaded photo will appear as gobbledygook on your posting screen. But once you post your entry, the photo will appear on your blog.

Barbara Wa-Wa is considering having Paris as a guest host on The View after she gets out of jail. I see a knock-down, drag out between Paris and Oprah coming. This man had high hopes of being the first male host on The View. He is not amused by this news.

Just one more...

I am salivating ... Paris has just been moved from the medical ward of a maximum security prison back to that horrid isolation cell (translate, single room!) because she has been found mentally and medically stable. Pray for her. She is a fragile thing.

Meantime, the LA Times has concluded that Paris has already spent more time behind bars than anyone else with a similar conviction. I never liked that newspaper.

And finally, it has come to my attention that Paris is expected to be released on June 25, one day before my 46th birthday. I have contacted her father about doing a joint birthday/get out of jail party. You are all invited. ;)

Sorry, Gretchen. I couldn't resist.

Finding God and ... not driving

OK, so Paris has found God now. She is going to use her 45 days in jail to think about her life and do good things. she will no longer "act dumb ... I've tried that before and it isn't cute." Lord Jesus, Paris has been saved.

Meantime, her father Rick - the one who owns all those Hilton hotels and who we haven't heard word one from in all this jailhouse rock - has decided to throw his daughter a "getting out of jail" party when she's done her time. In Vegas. And she'll get paid big bucks just to show up.

Only one little problem. A few party hot spots in Vegas have already refused to be the venue for this celebration: it wouldn't be good for their image, they say. Translate: Paris Hilton is not even good enough for Vegas. George Hamilton must be in h-e-a-v-e-n.

I'm having a bad life at work these days. We're looking for a full-time publisher so I can move into national editing work full-time. Then my calendar editor throws in the towel and this week my editor puts in her notice. What. Is there something in the water? So now I'm interviewing big ole publisher candidates, calendar editors candidates and soon editor candidates. I am getting NOTHING done except interviews.

Yesterday I interviewed a beaut for the calendar editor post. A willowy blonde from the Back Bay. High-pitched Caroline-does-Audrey voice, complete with giggle. I'm explaining the position to her and she lets it fly that 1.) she doesn't have kids, but she reads the magazine regularly (huh?); 2.) she doesn't have a car; and 3.) she doesn't drive. I get the lack of a car in the city thing. But she doesn't drive? How then does she expect to get to, say, Plimoth Plantation on occasion to keep up with the attractions and events there as calendar editor?
"Oh, I usually take the T when I need transportation... hee, hee, hee..." To PLYMOUTH??? What an eskimo pie head. NEXT!!!

And another thing ...

OK. I am incensed - INCENSED - that Paris Hilton is walking out of jail after only five days because of "medical issues." Pul-eeze. What kind of a message does that send to anyone else who likes to drive while inebriated? What kind of message does it send to teenagers? That chick is a loser and so is her mom.

Normally I don't really care about Paris, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and the like. But I have two teenage daughters who pay attention to this stuff, so I have to - just to keep up. It's appalling what's happening to young ladies in the limelight in this country.

They ALL need to take a road trip up to the county. ;)

How to talk to a Boston cop

Today, I had to drop off items for our table at the annual Scooper Bowl in City Hall Plaza in Boston. This is like chowderfest, Kimmie, only with samples of ice cream. We had a great booth by the exit where we could bring in some entertainers (clown, face painter, storyteller, etc.) and hand out our magazines. Anyway... you guys know how I drive. Basically, I DON'T. At least not well. I pull up to the plaza and this cute officer of the law approaches my car and says, "I don't wanna bust your chops honey, but you're parked in a fire lane and Mayor Menino gets awfully mad when people do that." Mayor MENINO does??? I don't even want to think about the tickets that guy gets written off every day. So I say, rather demurely, "Oh dear. I just want to drop a few things off for the Scooper Bowl..." And I flash a little smile. And he says, "Well, why don't you just drive right into the Plaza. Here, I'll open the gate for you."

How very nice. I just have to teach Meghan this method. Because a week ago, there was a news story down here about a teenager with a junior operator's license who got a speeding ticket (42 in a 30mph zone), paid the $130 fine and then gets a letter from the state telling her she's lost her license for 90 days and will have to pay $500 to get it reinstated once the three months are up. First offense. Yeesh. How many of us have driven 42 in a 30? If nothing else, it makes me sound like less of a nag when I tell her to drive the speed limit.